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The Writer's Corner
by Lance FreemanMagazine editor reveals publishing secrets
any fledgling writers have portfolios bulging with an impressive collection of rejection slips from the most prestigious periodicals. But that's not always enough. Writers constantly seek that elusive clipping. Local newspapers are a good outlet, but earning a credit in a glossy magazine is a daunting task unless you already have a long list of bylines or at least correspond from an exotic locale like Bangkok or Scranton.
With that in mind, I interviewed Roscoe T. Baffle, noted editor of The Newarker, the urbane weekly from Newark, New Jersey known for its cryptic cartoons and lengthy essays. I hoped he might offer a few secrets and dispel some myths about the magazine world. Mr. Baffle did not disappoint. Following are excerpts from the interview, which have been carefully edited due to space limitations.
Lance Freeman: Mr. Baffle, I want to thank you for taking time to speak with me.
Roscoe T. Baffle: I don't even know who you are or why you're here, but you're welcome.
LF: I'll get right to the point. What is the novice writer's greatest barrier to publication, other than, of course, a challenging lack of talent, skill and perseverance?
RTB: Well, many beginners have this fear that their work will be pushed aside simply because they're unpublished or lack credentials they don't hold a professorship or edit a trade magazine. Some are terrified their work will be rejected if they misplace an apostrophe or forget to sign the cover letter. One time, I even met a would-be writer who was scared that her heavily-researched pieces were getting the heave-ho for something as inconsequential as a crooked fold line. And she was right. Those are all excellent reasons for an otherwise perfectly good manuscript to get tossed in the round file. But, many times, they don't even get that far.
LF: Explain.
RTB: Sure. Look at these examples right here on my desk. You see that smudge on the corner of the self-addressed return envelope? I won't even read this piece. (The smudge was so small I could barely see it, but Baffle's trained eye picked it right up.) And speaking of the return envelope, see that little piece of transparent tape over the edge of the stamp? This nut was actually afraid that his stamp was going to fall off in transit and he'd never get the go-ahead for his BIG story. He's got to be the most insecure person in the world. And I'm supposed to have enough confidence in him to actually trust him with a story?
LF: May I interject here just to ask...
RTB: No, you may not. Uh, where was I? Oh, yeah, as I was going to say before I was interrupted, sometimes I don't even have to open the outer envelope to know if a piece needs rejecting. Look at this address. Doesn't he know that the "Attn: Features Editor" line should go near the top, not under the city and state? Those ZIP code scanners down at the main branch might have rerouted this to East Jabipp!
LF: What percentage of submissions do you actually read?
RTB: I'd say less than five percent.
LF: Is there any tip you can give our readers that will improve their odds of having you read their piece before rejecting it?
RTB: Neatly and properly address your envelope. Mail early around the holidays. Always, always use ZIP code, because ZIP code moves the mail and mail moves the country. And for goodness sakes, people, have a little trust in your local post office.
LF: What did you do before you attained your current position?
RTB: I actually started my career as a letter carrier for the Postal Service. One day, I was delivering mail to this building when I slipped on a wet spot in the lobby. I must have cracked my noggin and suffered a temporary memory loss because, when I came to, I thought I was the Editor-in-Chief and started yelling about deadlines. Everyone was afraid to tell me I wasn't because they thought I'd sue. They fired the real guy and so here I am.
LF: Do you have any words of encouragement to offer those considering a career as a free-lance writer?
RTB: Yeah, you might as well give it up right away.
LF: Thank you, Mr. Baffle.
RTB: Glad I was able to help.
Columnist Lance Freeman has submitted his thought-provoking essays to more than a dozen prestigious periodicals. Unfortunately, they've rejected most of what he's sent. His most recent project was removing the lint from his clothes dryer filter.
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